Antigone Reloaded

From BluWiki

ACT I � SCENE I

Antigone and Ismene have a boring conversation which is accented with various explosions and fireballs and laser extreme energy blasts

ANTIGONE: Look�what�s Creon doing with our two brothers? He�s honoring one with a full funeral and treating the other one disgracefully!

ISMENE: Oh my poor sister, what can I say to undo it?

ANTIGONE: Consider if thou wilt share the toil and the deed.

ISMENE: In what venture?

ANTIGONE: I will do my part to a brother. False to him will I never be found.

ISMENE: I will hearken to our rulers, for �tis witless to be over busy.

ANTIGONE: I will not urge, but you�re a huge bitch for not helping me.

ISMENE: Go then, if thou must; and of this be sure, - that though thine errand is foolish, to thy dear ones thou art truly dear.

ACT I - SCENE II

CHORUS: (Sung) Meanwhile, in the king�s audience chamber...

MESSENGER: My liege, I will not say that I come breathless from speed, or that have plied a nimble foot, for often did my thoughts make me pause. I went on my way with lagging steps, and thus a short road was made long. I come hither-to thee, and, though my tale be nought, yet will I tell it.

No stroke of the pickaxe was seen at this man�s grave, no earth thrown up by mattock, the ground was hard and dry, scorched by the fire of the sun. He who committed this heinous crime left no trace of his evil doings. One among us flew to the scene like the violent winds of a windstorm, and as his god-given eyes gazed upon the now-covered corpse of he who you, the king, proclaimed unworthy of burial under the heavenly deities above, shouted with the surprise of one who is caught by the ruby red furies who chase us with their fiery breath and poisonous spittle. Then evil words flew fast and loud among us, guard accusing guard, and it would e�en have come to blows, blows like those between the gods at the battle of Troy, when Zeus� mighty lightning bolt struck down the mortals on the battlefield below-

KING: SHUT THE FUCK UP, GIVE ME THE MESSAGE.

MESSENGER: My liege, Polyneices has been buried.

KING: GET THE FUCK OUT.

ACT I � SCENE III

MESSENGER: My liege, I have found the culprit. It is none other than your own kin, Antigone.

CREON: Antigone? My own flesh and blood? Why have you done this?

ANTIGONE: In the eyes of the gods, I have done no wrong.

CREON: Even in the face of my law, thou still hold�st to thy crime, and so I sentence thee to death. (Pause) In a cave. (Pause) By starvation. (Pause) That way, technically, you kill yourself by not eating, and those pesky Furies won�t ride my ass.

ISMENE ENTERS.

ISMENE: I have also done the deed, and share in the burden of the charge, and thus, the punishment as well.

ANTIGONE: Uh-uh girlfriend, you din�t do shee-it.

ISMENE: Fine, sister. Creon, wilt thouslay the betrothed of thine own son?

CREON: Nay there are other �fish in the sea� if you will. (Pause) �Fields to plow�, if you will. (Pause) �Bitches to pimp�, if you will.

ANTIGONE: Haemon, beloved! How thy father wrongs thee!

MESSENGER, ANTIGONE, AND ISMENE EXIT.

ACT I � SCENE IV

CREON SITS IN THRONE.

HAEMON: Father, for my sake, do not slay my betrothed!

CREON: Son, you are pussy whipped. Stop being such a whiny little bitch.

HAEMON: Then she must die, and in death destroy another.

CREON: Stop being so vague. Why is everybody in this play so vague?

HAEMON: You dad, I�m talking about killing you.

HAEMON EXITS, TEIRESIAS ENTERS.

TEIRESIAS: Listen up, Creon. You�d better not kill her, or else your whole family�s gonna die.

CREON: What are you, some kind of prophet?

TEIRESIAS: (Pause) Yes.

CREON: Old man, ye shoot your shafts at me � Yet ye must needs practice on me with seer-craft also; aye, the seer-tribe hath long trafficked in me, and made me their merchandise. Gain your gains, drive your trade, but ye shall not hide that man in the grave!

TEIRESIAS: Then know thou � aye, know it well � that thou and thine own shalt not live through many more courses of the sun�s swift chariot.

TEIRESIAS EXITS, LEADER OF CHORUS ENTERS

LEADER: Uh... Creon, maybe you should listen to that guy. He�s a prophet. Remember that whole Oedipus thing? Yeah, he called that one.

CREON: Really? Wow, he�s good. Maybe, on second thought... I shouldn�t kill the girl... Yes, I�ve made up my mind, she is right by the gods and she shall live! Hasten to the ground that ye see yonder, I will be present to unloose her, as myself bound her.

ACT I � SCENE V

(Interpretive dance)

Creon and Leader arrive at the cave only to find that Antigone has hung herself. Haemon is there. Haemon stabs Creon, misses, and kills himself in frustration.

ACT I � SCENE VI

MESSENGER: Dear lady, I will witness of what I saw, and will leave no word of the truth untold, for soothe is truth, and what would be the purpose of my message were my words to be false? Nay, truth is ever best, and thus truth is what thou shalt receive from mine own lips.

EURYDICE: Would you cut to the chase already?

MESSENGER: (Cough) Milady, your son is dead, he fell upon his own sword. Dumbass.

EURYDICE: Alas! My only son! The only thing left for me to do is take my own life.

MESSENGER: Umm... wouldn�t it make more sense to stay alive and produce another heir?

EURYDICE: (Oblivious) Alas! Alas! My only son! Woe is me, my life is over!

EURYDICE KILLS HERSELF.

CREON ENTERS

MESSENGER: Sire, thou hast come, methinks, as one whose hands are not empty, rather, the contrary, they are full, full of woe and troubles, like thy house is full of troubles on this fateful day--

CREON: Okay, seriously, shut up and give me the message.

MESSENGER: Milord, your wife Eurydice is dead, by her own hand.

CREON: Oh Hades, all-receiving whom no sacrifice can appease! Hast thou then no mercy for me? O thou herald of evil, bitter tidings, what word dost thou utter? Alas, I was already as dead, and thou hast smitten me anew! Slaughter upon slaughter! Let it come, the fairest of fates for me, that brings my last day. Oh let it come that I may never look upon tomorrow�s light.

CHORUS SINGS

FIN.